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Lava Lounge phone sex: keeping it secret

topic posted Mon, January 14, 2008 - 12:03 AM by  Rain
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Recently I discovered that a man i've been seeing for almost a year likes to connect with hot chicks over the phone. He's had erotic conversations with these girls the day after we've been together. He calls himself "single" when introducing himself. One of the numbers is saved in his cell phone address book. He sends pictures of his cock.

Unfortunately, I discovered this while snooping in his text messages. I guess I had a feeling...But now that I know, I can't tell him or ask him. His privacy is really important to him. Our relationship is getting better and better and we are feeling safer to be intimate and check out being in a relationship. I know in my heart that we love each other, but some of his messages to these girls really put an arrow thru my heart. I wish I hadn't spied.

I've asked him if he's seeing anyone else, and the answer is always "no". How can I trust him? I want to believe that this is his erotic fetish. If that's what it is, then it's his business and it really doesn't affect me. I like him turned on.

Just wondering if anyone out there engages in phone sex , posing as single while dating someone else. Is it inocuous? Or cause for alarm? Red Flag???
posted by:
Rain
SF Bay Area
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    Lava Light

    01/14
    You had a feeling. You confirmed it. At what point or where do you draw the line? It is completely up to you. Am I presumptuous to say that none of us can tell you where your line might be? Inevitably, the line is the point at which you grow so uncomfortable as to fall away from the relationship or move toward it embracing every nuance. Luckily, the subconscious, which gave you the feeling in the first place, will move you in a direction, where you feel you should be. I am not sure that this ties into your self-esteem or what-have-you, but sometimes we just feel that what we have to deal with is just not worth the trouble, and sometimes, we have to keep going to break through our fears. Only we know where we should be. I am with you at least on the uncertainty of not knowing. And I am certainly with you in that I haven't the foggiest idea.

    You could come clean and tell your boyfriend exactly what you told us.
  • put it on the table. you need to know if he's a freak or just has a fetish and he needs to know you're a snooper.
    • Thanks all for your comments. After allowing some time to pass, (and after much scrutiny on the "Ask a sexy man anything" tribe), I've been able to relax about this whole thing. It's really not a big deal, just a big shocker at first. That, combined with the guilt I felt about snooping, lead me to feel alot of anxiety. But our relationship is awesome. We are loving each other more and more. I can't let this get in the way. After all, we are still dating - no commitment or labels. It was my insecurity that lead me to snoop. I don't really care what he does in his private time as long as it doesn't affect me (STDs). And around the STD subject, I'm going to sit down and have a mature discussion with him.
  • I have a hard time connecting "the relationship's getting better" with the fact that you felt the need to check his text messages. There must have been some doubt lurking, and that doubt was to some extent confirmed.

    On the other hand, if you can broach this and you can both work it through to your mutual true satisfaction, that's a pretty good sign.

    He might not consider it "cheating" or whatever. And that could be real or it could be bullshit. But whatever he thinks about it, at least as important is what you think about it. You're obviously not blowing it off (or else you wouldn't be writing this), so in my opinion, you can't just go on as if it didn't happen.

    By the way, I've been snooped on too. It correctly suggested not good things about the relationship. My experience doesn't doom yours, but you asked; both the texts and the snooping are red flags to me.
  • hmmmm... this pretty much sounds bad from both ends. I think it's pretty bad that you don't have enough respect for your boyfriend to not be snooping on him. However, he has also broken trust with you by having these conversations without at least letting you know what he is doing.

    I think you both need to have a long talk with each other to determine if you want or are capable of having a relationship based on mutual trust and respect.
  • I agree with the above. But another factor to consider is the possibility that the two of you may simply have a difference of opinion on whether phone sex "counts." I'd suggest having a conversation with him about whether cyber or phone sex should be considered OK within the context of your relationship agreement.
  • You might try to identify the things that gave you that feeling. Something was not right, is it something you don't want to admit to yourself?

    If I am telling my partner that I am not seeing anyone else, I am not going around fishing and identifying as single. That changes it to "I am not seeing anyone else (yet)." And yeah, now you have to tell him.
    • Thanks all for your comments. After allowing some time to pass, (and after much scrutiny on the "Ask a sexy man anything" tribe), I've been able to relax about this whole thing. It's really not a big deal, just a big shocker at first. That, combined with the guilt I felt about snooping, lead me to feel alot of anxiety. But our relationship is awesome. We are loving each other more and more. I can't let this get in the way. After all, we are still dating - no commitment or labels. It was my insecurity that lead me to snoop. I don't really care what he does in his private time as long as it doesn't affect me (STDs). And around the STD subject, I'm going to sit down and have a mature discussion with him.
      reply to this post
    • Thanks all for your comments. After allowing some time to pass, (and after much scrutiny and bullying on the "Ask a sexy man anything" tribe), I've been able to relax about this whole thing. It's really not a big deal, just a big shocker at first. That, combined with the guilt I felt about snooping, lead me to feel alot of anxiety. But our relationship is awesome. We are loving each other more and more. I can't let this get in the way. After all, we are still dating - no commitment or labels. It was my insecurity that lead me to snoop. I don't really care what he does in his private time as long as it doesn't affect me (STDs). And around the STD subject, I'm going to sit down and have a mature discussion with him.

      As for telling him...No, I don't Have to tell him. and he doesn't Have to tell me he's into anonymous phone sex. However, I do swear to myself, cross my heart and hope to die, that I will NEVER snoop again.
      • Wow. To have that much dishonesty and secretiveness in a relationship and still calling it 'getting better and better' just doesn't add up for me.

        Personally, I'd get it out in the open and talk about it, so that there doesn't have to be any more deceit, but hey - that's just me.

        • Certainly great to hear that you are moving forward in the relationship. Although, don't you think months down the road a part of you will still be morbidly curious to see if he's given it up and if not, how actively is he searching out that alternate form of pleasure and what might that mean to your relationship down the road? It just seems like it'll haunt you as long as you're with him, or at least be in the back of your mind one way or another. In my humble opion, it might be wisest to somehow bring it up and get a definitive answer from him.

          All the best to you!
      • A couple points. Phone sex is safe sex by its very nature. You simply can't catch an STD over the phone.

        I just started taking phone sex calls professionally a few months ago and I'd say about half my callers are in some sort of relationship. Lots of times we talk about it and I try to find ways to get them to talk to their girlfriend or wife about their fantasies. But truthfully, most of them just have some sort of specific personal intimate sexual need that they feel that most women, even those the closest (or especially them) just wouldn't understand or be able to deal with. It's a huge trust thing.

        Are you really interested in wanting to know exactly what gets him off, even if it is something really specific and bizarre that doesn't do a damn thing for you? I made that mistake with my ex husband and he never made it again because it turns out that I really wasn't ready to see him all squished into my nightie and undies with my little pink vibe tickling his back door. That's generally why guys call phone sex lines - so they can talk about what THEY like without getting judged or rejected or divorced.

        I just had one guy who is getting ready to propose to his girlfriend call me up to talk about a male bisexual domination fantasy he wants to get out of his system before he ties the knot. It has everything to do with him and nothing to do with her. People need to get over themselves and realize that other people have needs and desires too, and even if you don't necessarily share the same turn-ons, you could at least each be honest about what does get you off with your partner.

        I saw a great thing recently about making duplicate lists of the twenty most common fantasies and sorting them into 4 piles each:

        1. Fantasies that Turn Me On and That I'm Willing to Share with My Lover
        2. Fantasies that Turn Me On but That I'm Resistant to Sharing with My Lover
        3. Fantasies that Leave Me in Neutral
        4. Fantasies that Turn Me Off

        www.sexuality.org/talk.html
        • <<I just had one guy who is getting ready to propose to his girlfriend call me up to talk about a male bisexual domination fantasy he wants to get out of his system before he ties the knot. It has everything to do with him and nothing to do with her. People need to get over themselves and realize that other people have needs and desires too, and even if you don't necessarily share the same turn-ons, you could at least each be honest about what does get you off with your partner. >>

          Good point, if you can't be honest with your partner about what gets you off then personally I think you should be with another partner. If strapping one on and taking your hubby doesnt turn you on is fine but if your hubby is embarrassed to talk to his wife because she is too judgmental or he fears she is that is bad.

          Everyone has fantasies that are unique to themselves that they should be free to enjoy, fantasies do not equal cheating.
          • Thanks, Simon.

            Another point - these fantasies can get really repetitive. You just have no idea. Guys can fixate on the same idea for years, long past the point where even an accepting girlfriend would get tired of hearing it. You may think you are losing out on some crazy intimacy but there is actually a slight possibility that what goes on on his calls might even bore the hell out of you. Just a thought...

            This brings up the broader point, and I'm curious how other people feel about it. Does phone sex count as cheating? Looking at it as a pro, I really don't see it that way. I feel more like a therapist than anything. I think maybe having phone sex with a co worker or someone you actually know would have more of that emotional element of cheating than paying someone to talk to you. Of course, I'm still firmly convinced that the only thing that makes "cheating" fundamentally wrong is the element of dishonesty involved.
            • I wouldn't consider phone sex cheating.

              Awhile ago I was dating a girl and we tried phone sex. She really enjoyed it. I was ok with it, but not as motivated about it as she was. She had a big auditory thing going on.
              Anyway, she quickly discovered that, thanks to the miracle of Craigslist, she could get guys off the internet to weave and narrate dirty fantasies for her just about anytime she wanted.

              She shared with me that she was trying it, that some experiences were better than others, etc, which was interesting.

              I expressed a little concern that they possibly might want to meet eventually and have it develop into something more. But I was glad that she was up front with me about it, and despite my concern, I mostly found it non-threatening - probably because she was so up front with me about it.

              I was curious to know what their verbal styles were. We contemplated recording a call so I could check it out - would that be unethical, do you think? It seems sketchy to record someone, of course; but if it's part of a thing-of-that-nature that the woman I'm dating is doing, should I not be privy to it as well if I'm curious? I suppose she could have anounced beforehand that she was recording it for her curious boyfriend. Anyway, we never did.
              • <<I was curious to know what their verbal styles were. We contemplated recording a call so I could check it out - would that be unethical, do you think? It seems sketchy to record someone, of course; but if it's part of a thing-of-that-nature that the woman I'm dating is doing, should I not be privy to it as well if I'm curious? I suppose she could have anounced beforehand that she was recording it for her curious boyfriend. Anyway, we never did.>>

                You totally should have. I'll bet you anything most of those guys wouldn't have minded if she had asked/told them. I had one call where the guy just called me up to listen to him having sex with someone. The phone rang and all I heard was some slapping and moans and then they hung up. Lots of guys like to share/show off.
                • Ha! Thanks for the reply.
                  I think we should have.
                  I'll be curious to know what arcs your new career trajectory takes, too, in terms of what your experiences are and how you're feeling about them and stuff.
                  I've read some writing by sex workers (and those on the periphery) and the trajectory seems to be: bemusement and shock at the desires revealed and shared with them, followed by some affectionate feeling toward regulars who are polite or benign, but usually ending in burn out of some sort.
                  Not saying that always happens, but that's the script I've read a few times.
                  • This is the maximum depth. Additional responses will not be threaded.
                    <<the trajectory seems to be: bemusement and shock at the desires revealed and shared with them, followed by some affectionate feeling toward regulars who are polite or benign, but usually ending in burn out of some sort. >>

                    I can totally see that. Some days I swear I can feel that burn out already, like when I get calls I don't like. There are however, multiple ways of working phone sex. The girls who work at an hourly rate for an employer get back to back calls - probably mostly vanilla and of the wham bam thank you maam type. I hate those calls. I don't have anyone routing calls to me so I sort of have to dig up my own customers. Naturally, I try to draw in the ones I will enjoy talking to - smart, funny & kinky. I've had some decent success with that.

                    As far as shock and whatnot goes, there is definitely a learning curve here. I had no idea what sorts of things men find arousing before. Now I'm stealing shamelessly for my personal relationships. It's like being the editor for Penthouse Letters sometimes.
                    • "I had no idea what sorts of things men find arousing before. Now I'm stealing shamelessly for my personal relationships."
                      - - - >

                      Anything you can share? (I don't think you'd violate client confidentiality, since they are anonymous - unless their kinks are *really* unique!) ~ If not the first part, about the "stealing shamelessly" part?

                      As far as what men find arousing - now you can see why men were sometimes reluctant when their girlfriends would ask about their fantasy lives. They perhaps want more assurance than just idle curiosity before they'll start uncorking that kind of stuff.

                      ...Although, the sample of guys who are calling you are probably not a typical cross-section sampling of men.
                      They are (sometimes) probably guys who don't have many other avenues in which to communicate or explore their fantasies or desires (I'm arbitrarily seperating fantasy and desire here as "things you'd only want to think about" v. "things you'd actually like to do in real life one day".)

                      Anyway, you seem able to roll with it and maintain a nice attitude about it all, and that's awesome!
                      • <<As far as what men find arousing - now you can see why men were sometimes reluctant when their girlfriends would ask about their fantasy lives. They perhaps want more assurance than just idle curiosity before they'll start uncorking that kind of stuff.>>

                        NO kidding. I don't think the average adult woman in this country is adequately prepared for those answers. It's a shame the way our culture shapes acceptable fantasy material for us. In a lot of ways, the most "shocking" things I find are simply that men and women often like the same things, like getting fucked. Who knew?

                        <<...Although, the sample of guys who are calling you are probably not a typical cross-section sampling of men.
                        They are (sometimes) probably guys who don't have many other avenues in which to communicate or explore their fantasies or desires>>

                        I would totally have to disagree with you there. I think the sampling is actually very representational. I get tons of guys with wives, girlfriends, social lives, etc right along the big fat whiny losers who never leave the house. My favorite callers are the guys with tons of lifestyle experience that will call to tell me their war stories. These aren't timid virgins or closet perverts - these guys know what they are doing and want to talk to a woman that can appreciate it.

                        <<Anyway, you seem able to roll with it and maintain a nice attitude about it all, and that's awesome! >>

                        Thanks!

                        Okay, as far as stories and things men find arousing that I didn't already know.....

                        I'm still trying to work my brain around foot fetishes and foot jobs and the eroticism contained therein.

                        Men love their back doors played with. There should be a national information campaign to remove the taboo.

                        This one is sort of blindingly obvious, but a lot of guys just want to be told what to do - and will do anything I say if I say it with enough confidence.

                        Mostly, I'm impressed by how many men like to see their wife/girlfriend getting fucked by other men. Granted, that's sort of my kink, too - so I suppose I'm drawing that crowd a little more heavily - but it has been extremely liberating to hear about it from the (extremely aroused) male point of view. It's given me the courage to follow my libido and hope my relationship keeps up, which it has!

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